Navigating Grief: Life After Loss with Amber Williams
In this heartfelt and empowering episode, we speak with Amber Williams, MSN, RN, OCN, a former oncology nurse turned health and grief coach, who shares her personal journey of navigating life after profound loss. Amber's world was forever changed when she lost her husband, and since then, she has dedicated her life to helping others through their own grief journeys. With over 20 years of nursing experience and a deep understanding of both emotional and physical healing, Amber now serves as a coach, guiding individuals through grief recovery, health, and life changes.
In this episode, Amber opens up about her personal experience with loss, how it shaped her perspective on life, and how she found purpose and healing. She provides practical insights on navigating grief, balancing self-care, and moving forward after loss. Amber's story is a testament to the strength of the human spirit and the possibility of transformation even after the darkest times.
In this episode, Amber discusses:
- Her personal grief journey after the loss of her husband.
- How her background in nursing informs her approach to grief coaching.
- Practical tools for navigating grief and life transitions.
- The importance of self-care and emotional healing after loss.
- How to embrace hope and transformation in the face of adversity.
Connect with Amber Williams:
- LinkedIn: Amber Williams
- Website: Topmate.io/amber_williams
This episode is a must-listen for anyone dealing with grief, navigating life changes, or looking for guidance on healing after loss. Amber's compassionate insights will inspire listeners to find hope and embrace the possibility of a new beginning.
---------------
Follow the Host, Kelly Buckley:
Stay connected with Kelly Buckley and join her journey of healing, resilience, and gratitude. Follow her on social media for more inspiring content, updates on future episodes, and insights on living a life full of hope and purpose.
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00:00:01
Hello, everyone,
00:00:02
and welcome to another
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episode of Broken Beautiful Me,
00:00:05
Stories of Hope, Gratitude,
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and Resilience.
00:00:09
Today,
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I am so fortunate to have as our
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guest Amber Williams.
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Building relationships and
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helping others has always
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been at the forefront of Amber's life.
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She's been a registered
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nurse for twenty years this
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year and recently obtained
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a dual health and life
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coach certification.
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Since her husband's death in
00:00:30
twenty twenty one,
00:00:31
she has grown in ways she
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never could have expected.
00:00:35
Learning how to live through
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the loss and finding hope
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and healing helped turn her
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grief into recovery.
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She now uses these
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experiences to help others
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living through loss.
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Amber, welcome to the show.
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Thank you so much for being here.
00:00:51
Oh, thank you, Kelly.
00:00:52
I appreciate the invitation to be here.
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Thank you.
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So first to just kind of
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jump in and start off for
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our listeners who maybe
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don't know a little bit
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about your background and work,
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can you just kind of
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provide us with a little overview?
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Sure.
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Will do.
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Um,
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and in case you're hearing in the
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background, that is my cat, not a child.
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Oh, I know.
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Oh no.
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She wants to be on my lap.
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Okay.
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Um, but okay, well we'll see how this goes,
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but with the cats, um, yeah, I've been,
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um, I,
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my husband died almost three years
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ago and, um,
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before that I was a nurse
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I've been an oncology nurse
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I have been an oncology
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nurse educator I'm about
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ready to start going back
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into nursing education and
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um that's just all been
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like what I do and
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but who I am is somebody who
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helps people and whether
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that is through my nursing
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career or now through coaching, um,
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that is where that's where
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I am or who I am.
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And, um, yeah, that's, you know,
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with the grief that's where I've, um,
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you know,
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I've been able to recover from it,
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which was something that I
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didn't realize I was going
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to be able to do.
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Um, and,
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Yeah,
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it's a weird thought because I was
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telling somebody the other
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day that I recovered after
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my grandma died,
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after actually all of my
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grandparents have died now.
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So why wouldn't I be able to
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recover and heal after the
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loss of my husband?
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It's a different relationship, sure,
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but I did, I was able to,
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and I have been.
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And so I want to share that
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with other people
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through the grief coaching
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grief recovery coaching
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actually yeah I mean I
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think too is that it
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becomes so much more
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tangible and possible when
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you have someone who is
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bringing not only their
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professional experience but
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their personal experience
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with grief as well there's
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something about that that
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you know okay they've been
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there and so you must really
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feel that response from
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people when you talk to
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them about your grief?
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Yeah,
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I think people do reach out to me
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because of the fact that
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I've been so vocal about my
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grief recovery, my grief journey.
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And so they want to talk
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with somebody who has been there.
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And whether or not it's me offering advice,
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which I do sometimes, but
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Other times,
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it's just to be there to
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listen because they know that I get it.
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And sometimes just knowing
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that someone gets it is
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just all the support that we really need,
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right?
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Because when we lose someone,
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You know,
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there's no magic words that make
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things better.
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So sometimes just that
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presence of another human
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being to kind of walk with
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you is so impactful,
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more impactful than words could ever be.
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Yeah.
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So you transitioned from
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kind of bedside nursing and
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now you're a grief coach.
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You said you're going to go
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back into nursing education.
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How has that background in
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nursing influenced your
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approach to helping others
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cope with loss?
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Because I know we both have
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a background in oncology nursing.
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And so loss is very much a part of, well,
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it's part of any style of nursing really.
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But you do,
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people are faced with the
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mortality of cancer diagnosis.
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So how does that kind of
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bridge together that experience for you?
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It's an interesting
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combination because when I
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was a chemotherapy nurse,
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so I spent eight years
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administering chemo,
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and you really get to know your patients.
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You kind of get to know their caregivers,
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whether it's a spouse or a
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child or a parent who's coming with them.
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And I, at this point, would
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if I could go back in time,
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I would spend more time
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with the caregivers,
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the people who are coming
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in with the patients.
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Um, because I've been there,
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I've been on that side of
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the bed of the chair and, you know,
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there's just a, we need that.
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We need, you know, as the,
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as that caregiver,
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we need that relationship
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with our providers,
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whether it's nurses or physicians.
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And as a coach now,
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I can be with the caregivers,
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the ones who were caring
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for their person who is now gone.
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And so, yeah, that's where I am right now.
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That's I mean,
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that's so beautiful because
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you're and you're so right
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that and I think I think
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actually if I was to think
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back on my time in oncology nursing,
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I probably would have would
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have done the same is try
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to spend a little more time
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with those caregivers.
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I think we're learning as, like,
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in terms of just the health
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profession in general,
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I think we're learning
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about how important that
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holistic approach, like,
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to the whole family system is.
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Are we getting there?
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Very slowly, maybe.
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Yeah.
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And I think, you know,
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I think for some nurses and
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providers that it is,
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it's more natural to some than others.
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And for those who
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where it does come naturally,
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I would love to see them
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teaching others how to do this.
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You know, be the role model,
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be the leader in your
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department and show people
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how they can be better with
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caring for the caregivers.
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And I agree.
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Yeah.
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Well, so the day before Carl died, he was,
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he had to be intubated.
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And I was in the room when he,
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it was just the two of us,
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when he started having
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problems breathing.
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And I couldn't find anyone
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out in the hallway.
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I had the call light on.
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I was all downed up because he was septic.
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And so I couldn't leave his
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room wearing everything that I had on.
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And when people finally came in,
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then it was, you know,
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I kind of got pushed to the side.
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And then it was, Amber,
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you're going to have to leave.
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Just go out to the waiting room and,
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you know,
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we'll come get you when things
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have settled down.
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I walked out by myself.
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I sat in the waiting room
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for over two hours by myself, crying,
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calling people on the phone.
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You know, it was a Saturday,
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so there was no one else in
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the waiting room.
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Um, and so it was, yeah,
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just that experience alone
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tells me how important it is.
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Like even if the, um, the unit clerk,
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you know, the receptionist,
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if that person would have come out,
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give me some water, you know,
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something to
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to recognize that I was by myself,
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you know, that would have been helpful.
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This was still during the time of COVID.
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And so other,
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I couldn't have other
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visitors come in to see him.
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Well, his brother was allowed to,
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but he would have come with his wife,
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you know?
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So it was, yeah,
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it was just something that
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I will never forget.
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And I want to do better.
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That's what it is.
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And then you, as an educator,
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you have the power to imagine.
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right to really oh yeah to
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really say like this was
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this was my personal
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experience and as as an
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educator I want to show you
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how to do this differently
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I mean it's it's an
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opportunity I mean
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unfortunately you had to
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experience that and I'm so
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sorry um I I know that must
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have been the longest two
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hours of your life it was
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it was a good good amount
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of time yeah yeah
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Yeah,
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but hopefully we can help educate
00:10:02
people of the importance of
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making sure the family is
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supported because, you know, that's,
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it's just something that I think,
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and it's of no fault of a
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healthcare team.
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We both know what everybody has to do,
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right?
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Um, but it is, I think it's,
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is you feel like it's more of a,
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an integrating that into the normal, um,
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process of an event, you know,
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like when I, when I think about,
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so I have varied healthcare experiences,
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oncology being one,
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but I also worked in ICU and emerged.
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And one of the things that
00:10:46
you have when you have a code is it's all
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protocols, right?
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It's just all protocols.
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It's like ABC, you just follow that map.
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And for good reason,
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we have not put on the map
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support to people who do
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not support them.
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And maybe that's just how we
00:11:10
need to evolve.
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We need to have that as part
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of a definitive protocol,
00:11:15
because it is that important.
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I will say that when he
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coded in the ER several days before that,
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I had walked out of the
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restroom and all I could
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see was the doctor giving
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him chest compressions.
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It felt like the entire ER
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was in his room.
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The crash cart was right there.
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And the first person who
00:11:43
came over to me was a social worker.
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And so they had,
00:11:47
they did have that as part
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of their protocol, um, to have, you know,
00:11:53
a chaplain and a social
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worker available to me.
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Uh, when we would have in, in the clinic,
00:12:01
when I was doing chemo, uh,
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we would have as part of the protocol,
00:12:06
the chaplain, if they were there that day,
00:12:08
they would come up.
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Uh,
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usually there was some type of a social
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worker or a case manager
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who would come up and help
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with the family.
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Yeah.
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I guess.
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Good to hear.
00:12:26
Yeah.
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Yeah.
00:12:26
So in your experience,
00:12:28
how does grief kind of
00:12:29
present itself across a
00:12:32
variety of cultures and how
00:12:34
do you coach through that?
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Because, you know,
00:12:38
there are different cultural things that,
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and belief systems.
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And so how do you coach?
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So, excuse me.
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It first starts with having
00:12:52
them tell their story.
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I want to know, you know,
00:12:57
who is it that they've lost?
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Tell me about this person.
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I want to know their name.
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You know, who are we talking about?
00:13:06
And I think when we start to
00:13:08
tell our stories,
00:13:11
Even from the beginning,
00:13:12
we don't recognize it,
00:13:13
but that's the beginning of
00:13:14
healing is by talking about our person.
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And so that's what I want to
00:13:21
start with right there.
00:13:24
Moving forward, it's really, you know,
00:13:26
what do they need?
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Are they, you know,
00:13:31
are they having financial problems?
00:13:33
You know,
00:13:34
then we can talk about the
00:13:35
financial aspect of it.
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Are they just not able to get out of bed?
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You know, those kinds of things.
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How are we going to make
00:13:45
plans for going through the day?
00:13:50
And I think that can
00:13:50
transcend through all of cultures.
00:13:54
Every person is going to
00:13:57
have a different response
00:13:59
to grief initially.
00:14:01
Some people are going to be
00:14:01
so shocked that they don't
00:14:02
even know what happened.
00:14:05
um and then others are going
00:14:07
to try to you know move
00:14:10
through it because how many
00:14:13
of our uh the companies
00:14:16
that we work for have a
00:14:18
three or five day or maybe
00:14:19
even less bereavement
00:14:21
period yeah oh you're you
00:14:24
know your mom died and next
00:14:27
week I'll see you back in the office
00:14:31
We can't do it that way.
00:14:33
I was so blessed to have a
00:14:39
manager who said, well, actually,
00:14:43
I didn't show up to work the next week.
00:14:46
So she called me Monday morning.
00:14:48
I said, well,
00:14:49
I told you at the funeral
00:14:50
that I didn't know when I'd be back.
00:14:53
So in my mind, it was just,
00:14:54
I'll show up when I show up.
00:14:58
that was my response to my,
00:15:02
to my employer.
00:15:03
And so she said, well, you know,
00:15:06
you really need to go
00:15:07
through the whole FMLA process,
00:15:09
contact your, you know, your doctor and,
00:15:13
you know, find out, you know,
00:15:14
just kind of work through
00:15:15
them and then the FML team.
00:15:18
And so I did.
00:15:19
And my nurse practitioner
00:15:25
gave me almost six weeks
00:15:27
off after he died um those
00:15:32
she said you know amber is
00:15:33
not returning to work until
00:15:35
whatever that monday was
00:15:36
before thanksgiving so he
00:15:38
died october tenth and you
00:15:41
know whatever that was um
00:15:43
until thanksgiving and then
00:15:46
after that she wrote
00:15:48
another form for me to be
00:15:51
able to take off three days
00:15:52
every month as um as needed
00:15:57
They could not be consecutive days.
00:16:00
But if I needed a mental health day,
00:16:03
then I had the paperwork to show it.
00:16:09
Granted, I had worked there for,
00:16:10
I forget how many years.
00:16:16
It had been more than ten
00:16:17
years at that point.
00:16:18
And so I had my ill time built up.
00:16:22
Not everybody has that available to them.
00:16:25
So it would be non-paid or
00:16:28
you'd just burn through any ill time.
00:16:31
But I did have that.
00:16:33
And so that's how I was able
00:16:36
to manage going back to work.
00:16:40
yeah with a with a very
00:16:42
supportive manager and then
00:16:45
it sounds like a nurse
00:16:46
practitioner who just
00:16:46
really got it about what
00:16:48
was needed oh she was so on
00:16:52
the ball like I mean I'm
00:16:56
yeah she was amazing and
00:16:59
and when I thought that I
00:17:00
needed an antidepressant
00:17:01
you know uh in january I
00:17:04
was just I didn't know what
00:17:07
was going on you know it was so
00:17:10
horrible in my head.
00:17:12
And I contacted her and I said,
00:17:15
I think I need something
00:17:16
for the depression.
00:17:17
And she said,
00:17:20
give it the weekend and call
00:17:22
me next week.
00:17:23
I'll see you next week.
00:17:25
And so I did.
00:17:26
And it was something that was transient,
00:17:29
so it didn't last for long.
00:17:33
And I'm so grateful to this
00:17:36
I haven't needed to take the
00:17:37
antidepressants.
00:17:39
And she never prescribed them for me.
00:17:43
And I think it was because
00:17:45
of the way that she handled that, that,
00:17:49
you know, I was able to see, okay,
00:17:52
I am going to get through this.
00:17:54
You know,
00:17:54
I don't have to take the medications.
00:17:59
But doggone it, I was all ready for them.
00:18:04
I have...
00:18:06
you know,
00:18:07
no judgment whatsoever for the
00:18:08
people who need them.
00:18:10
It is, you know, people do need them.
00:18:13
And I, yeah.
00:18:17
So it's, you know,
00:18:18
that might be another cultural thing too.
00:18:20
You know, do we take it?
00:18:22
Do we not?
00:18:23
You know, what's available?
00:18:25
You know, I, shortly after I lost my son,
00:18:30
I had to go to a doctor's
00:18:32
appointment for just a thyroid check.
00:18:38
And my blood pressure was up a figure.
00:18:41
And she said, oh,
00:18:44
your blood pressure is a little elevated.
00:18:46
Is there anything going on in your life?
00:18:49
And I just burst into tears, of course,
00:18:51
I think.
00:18:54
And she said, let me talk to you about it.
00:18:56
And she immediately mentioned medication.
00:18:59
And this was like literally,
00:19:02
I think it was two to three
00:19:03
weeks after her.
00:19:04
see in the past and you are
00:19:06
so right that that
00:19:08
sometimes medications are
00:19:09
needed and when they are
00:19:11
they are completely
00:19:12
appropriate and you
00:19:13
shouldn't shy away from
00:19:14
them at all um but I I
00:19:17
remember looking at her and
00:19:19
saying but I'm not
00:19:20
depressed I'm grieving and
00:19:21
there's a big difference
00:19:24
and so it really takes like
00:19:27
your your practitioner was
00:19:29
truly a champion for you
00:19:31
because she said take a breath
00:19:34
know that this too shall
00:19:35
pass give yourself the
00:19:37
weekend and then see where
00:19:38
we are she wasn't closing
00:19:40
the door to that but she
00:19:42
seems let's just see what
00:19:44
internally that you where
00:19:46
you are in a few days and I
00:19:47
think that that's um such a
00:19:50
well-informed approach um
00:19:53
to someone who is
00:19:55
legitimately you know
00:19:57
emotionally struggling after such a loss
00:20:01
But also being very
00:20:02
pragmatic about prescribing
00:20:05
medications that may or may
00:20:06
not be needed.
00:20:08
I mean,
00:20:08
I think that that's the kind of
00:20:11
practitioner you want to
00:20:12
have in that situation.
00:20:14
That's, you know,
00:20:18
because a lot of people
00:20:18
don't necessarily feel like
00:20:20
they have the strength to
00:20:23
take a few days.
00:20:24
And of course, you and I,
00:20:27
We have the benefit of
00:20:29
having a bit of medical
00:20:30
knowledge in the background
00:20:31
so that we have more agency ourselves,
00:20:33
I guess, to speak of.
00:20:38
So how has your perspective
00:20:43
on mental health changed
00:20:44
over time because of your
00:20:47
personal experiences,
00:20:48
because of the professional
00:20:50
experiences that you have
00:20:51
seen in the families that
00:20:53
you've met along the way?
00:20:55
How has it shifted for you?
00:20:57
Because all of a sudden, well,
00:20:59
not all of a sudden,
00:20:59
but you are now going to be
00:21:03
coaching in a very important role.
00:21:06
So what did you see shifting
00:21:08
that you needed to make the
00:21:10
change and help other people?
00:21:14
That's an interesting question.
00:21:15
I would say that therapy is
00:21:20
very important.
00:21:24
If you feel like you need the therapy,
00:21:26
get the therapy.
00:21:28
Even if you don't feel like
00:21:29
you need the therapy,
00:21:29
you should probably get it.
00:21:31
I did not.
00:21:33
I probably should have.
00:21:36
I went through a grief share
00:21:39
program at our church.
00:21:41
It's a national organization.
00:21:42
Are you familiar with it?
00:21:44
I am.
00:21:44
Wow.
00:21:45
It's a beautiful program.
00:21:47
It is.
00:21:49
Interestingly,
00:21:50
Carl and I were facilitators for it, um,
00:21:54
uh, years before he died.
00:21:56
Yeah.
00:21:57
And so we went through,
00:21:58
I think three different sessions, um,
00:22:01
their thirteen week programs,
00:22:03
twelve week programs.
00:22:04
I forget now, um, where.
00:22:08
Yeah.
00:22:08
So we went through three
00:22:09
different sessions as
00:22:10
facilitators and then COVID
00:22:13
happened and then he died the next year.
00:22:16
And so in twenty-two,
00:22:20
I went back as a participant.
00:22:23
And let me tell you,
00:22:25
I have a whole new
00:22:26
appreciation for having
00:22:30
facilitators who have
00:22:34
really been through it.
00:22:37
We had some facilitators who, I mean,
00:22:43
bless their hearts, they were there.
00:22:44
They were listening to our stories,
00:22:46
you know,
00:22:47
and there were just times where
00:22:48
it was like, yeah,
00:22:50
you don't really get it.
00:22:52
Like, you know,
00:22:53
and so it was kind of interesting.
00:22:56
But
00:22:57
back to mental health,
00:22:59
do the support groups, get a therapist.
00:23:05
As a coach, I am not a therapist.
00:23:08
And so what I see my role as
00:23:12
is helping the person live
00:23:16
through the loss.
00:23:21
Obviously,
00:23:22
I cannot prescribe any kinds of
00:23:24
medications.
00:23:27
I also cannot diagnose any type,
00:23:33
I can't diagnose depression.
00:23:34
I can't diagnose anxiety.
00:23:36
I can see it.
00:23:38
Uh,
00:23:38
I can make recommendations for seeing a
00:23:41
therapist or a psychologist.
00:23:43
Um, but in my role, I just not just,
00:23:48
but I want to help the person, um, live,
00:23:53
uh, going through the life coaching.
00:23:55
Maybe it's a health related thing too.
00:23:57
You know, um,
00:23:59
we can talk about those kinds of things.
00:24:01
Uh,
00:24:01
but when it comes to serious mental
00:24:04
health diagnoses,
00:24:06
that is not for a coach.
00:24:09
I may be trauma informed,
00:24:11
I am not a trauma therapist.
00:24:14
So that's where I think we just,
00:24:19
we have to be careful as all coaches,
00:24:21
any coach who is working
00:24:22
with somebody who has been
00:24:23
through a traumatic event,
00:24:24
we have to be aware of what's appropriate,
00:24:28
know what our lane is, stay in our lane,
00:24:32
stay in the right frame of mind as well,
00:24:36
so.
00:24:37
That is such an important piece of it,
00:24:41
isn't it, with the coaching?
00:24:44
Do you see yourself as kind
00:24:45
of... I don't know,
00:24:48
when I kind of... I was
00:24:49
reading about the work that you're doing,
00:24:51
and I just think it's so important.
00:24:53
I was kind of wishing that I
00:24:55
had someone like you when I
00:24:57
was in my darkest place, you know,
00:25:01
because you really...
00:25:03
as you said it's not you
00:25:05
know it's not psychotherapy
00:25:07
it's not the same as going
00:25:08
to a therapist but
00:25:10
sometimes you just need
00:25:14
someone to help you
00:25:14
navigate sometimes
00:25:16
especially if you've never
00:25:18
experienced a death before
00:25:21
things like I mean the
00:25:26
paperwork that you like
00:25:27
just and when you have lost
00:25:30
something I mean I know that this is
00:25:34
big, encompassing piece of grief.
00:25:38
But for someone who hasn't
00:25:39
lost someone before,
00:25:43
and you are in the depths of despair,
00:25:45
and all of a sudden you
00:25:46
have forms in triplicate to
00:25:48
fill out that are, you know,
00:25:51
like pages and pages, just that act alone,
00:25:55
helping someone navigate and say, okay,
00:25:58
so once this is finished,
00:26:00
that's all you'll have to do with this,
00:26:02
or
00:26:02
you know,
00:26:03
this is part of the process and I
00:26:05
want you to think that this
00:26:06
is anything different than
00:26:07
out of the norm so that you're not, no,
00:26:10
you're not doing a therapy session,
00:26:12
but you are giving them
00:26:14
kind of a bird's eye view
00:26:17
from your experiences and
00:26:19
expertise so that they can
00:26:22
calm and calm down and kind
00:26:24
of breathe through it.
00:26:26
I am going to be able to get through it,
00:26:27
you know?
00:26:28
And then, and then with, in terms of,
00:26:32
therapy pointing them in
00:26:34
that direction if you see
00:26:36
that this is something
00:26:37
that's outside of my
00:26:38
wheelhouse yeah and I mean
00:26:41
that is I think that that
00:26:43
is so important ethically
00:26:45
for coaching isn't it oh
00:26:46
yeah yes and you know the
00:26:50
fact that coaching is not um uh
00:26:58
oh we don't have rules and
00:26:59
regulations within coaching
00:27:02
right there anybody can be
00:27:04
a coach you don't have to
00:27:05
be certified you don't you
00:27:07
know have to even have
00:27:09
experienced anything that
00:27:11
you're coaching um you can
00:27:14
just call yourself a coach
00:27:15
and and so being a
00:27:20
an unregulated profession, yeah,
00:27:25
we really have to be
00:27:26
careful and understand what
00:27:28
the ethics are around being a coach.
00:27:36
If you want to call yourself a coach,
00:27:38
then know what is going to
00:27:41
be appropriate for you as a coach.
00:27:46
you know, if you want to be a professional,
00:27:48
act like a professional and, you know,
00:27:51
the rest will come.
00:27:52
I think,
00:27:52
do you feel like there's some
00:27:54
benefit from coming from a
00:27:55
nursing background where, um,
00:27:58
things are more regulated
00:27:59
that it just would probably
00:28:01
come very normal to you to, to have that,
00:28:04
that very well delineated
00:28:07
line of your role and
00:28:08
responsibility versus a
00:28:10
therapist or somebody else?
00:28:12
Yeah.
00:28:13
Oh yes.
00:28:14
Yes, absolutely.
00:28:17
I mean, there were just so many things.
00:28:20
As a nurse, if you don't document it,
00:28:23
it didn't happen, right?
00:28:28
We have our policies and
00:28:31
procedures that we look at
00:28:33
almost on a daily basis.
00:28:34
How are we supposed to do
00:28:37
you know the skill or what
00:28:40
um you know sometimes we
00:28:42
even have scripts to go
00:28:43
along with um you know for
00:28:45
how to handle a particular
00:28:48
situation and um and so yes
00:28:51
I I'm thankful that I went
00:28:55
to a coaching training
00:28:58
course where I could get certified
00:29:01
because now I have the scripts.
00:29:02
So if I do feel like I'm
00:29:04
stuck in something,
00:29:05
then I can go back and be like, okay,
00:29:08
this is how somebody who
00:29:10
has done this many more years than I have,
00:29:13
you know,
00:29:13
has much more experience than I have,
00:29:15
they have figured this out.
00:29:17
And I'm so grateful that I
00:29:20
have those tools that I can
00:29:21
go back and use when needed.
00:29:23
So.
00:29:23
Absolutely.
00:29:28
So for the grieving,
00:29:32
there's a grieving person
00:29:33
and then there's the people
00:29:34
who are trying to support them.
00:29:37
So for the people who are
00:29:38
trying to support them,
00:29:39
because we both know it's tough,
00:29:43
especially if you haven't
00:29:44
experienced a loss in your
00:29:48
own life that is comparable.
00:29:52
It can be very difficult to
00:29:53
know how to approach people
00:29:55
and say the right thing or
00:29:57
do the right thing.
00:29:58
What would be three things
00:30:00
that you would say to
00:30:01
someone who's listening
00:30:02
right now and like, oh, my friend,
00:30:05
she lost, you know, her sister,
00:30:08
her husband,
00:30:10
and I just really want to be
00:30:11
there for them,
00:30:11
but I don't know what to do.
00:30:13
What would you say?
00:30:16
Make yourself available.
00:30:21
Understand that that person
00:30:22
needs to have boundaries.
00:30:24
and respect those boundaries.
00:30:30
A friend of mine,
00:30:33
her brother-in-law just recently passed.
00:30:36
And so her sister has been
00:30:39
coming to stay at her house
00:30:41
when she just can't be at,
00:30:43
or doesn't want to be at her own house.
00:30:46
Um,
00:30:46
but everybody's been going to my
00:30:47
friend's house.
00:30:48
Like all the visitors are
00:30:50
going over there.
00:30:51
And she said she had
00:30:53
somebody at her house until nine PM.
00:30:55
And she said, I am not used to this.
00:30:58
So my first response was
00:31:00
it's okay to set boundaries,
00:31:03
let people know, like,
00:31:05
I want you to come over.
00:31:06
I want you to support my sister.
00:31:09
But by six o'clock, you know,
00:31:12
I'm going to have to let
00:31:14
kick you out nicely.
00:31:17
Or just recognize that some
00:31:19
people might be wanting to
00:31:20
get to bed early.
00:31:24
They just need to do their .
00:31:26
They need their evening routines.
00:31:28
Those kinds of things need to happen.
00:31:30
So being aware of what those
00:31:32
boundaries should be.
00:31:35
Asking what they need,
00:31:38
which kind of goes both ways.
00:31:40
There's the asking what they need
00:31:42
because you just don't know
00:31:43
what they need.
00:31:46
Somebody can get too many
00:31:48
deli trays sent to their house, right?
00:31:55
And you can't really freeze
00:31:56
deli meat very well.
00:32:00
And cheese doesn't usually
00:32:01
freeze very well either.
00:32:02
So those kinds of things, you know,
00:32:05
asking what they need.
00:32:07
If you want to bring a meal, say, hey,
00:32:09
I have some,
00:32:11
the best one.
00:32:11
I have some lasagna already made.
00:32:15
Can I bring it over tonight?
00:32:17
Or even I'm bringing it over tonight,
00:32:19
however you want to do it.
00:32:23
Because when I say ask them what they need,
00:32:27
it's because I recommend
00:32:28
that people who are
00:32:30
grieving have kind of a
00:32:32
little list of what they
00:32:34
need so that when people ask,
00:32:37
then they can give them an answer.
00:32:40
Um, my list included,
00:32:42
I had a toilet that needed work.
00:32:45
So if you know a plumber,
00:32:47
I'd love to have them come over and, oh,
00:32:51
oh, and I needed, um, cause it was fall.
00:32:54
So I just needed help
00:32:54
getting the like front part
00:32:57
of my patio cleaned off.
00:32:59
Um, you know, all my plants,
00:33:01
I just need them, you know,
00:33:03
removed somehow.
00:33:05
Um.
00:33:06
finally found somebody who
00:33:09
would help with the toilet,
00:33:11
never had anybody help with the backyard.
00:33:18
So yeah, and if you can't help,
00:33:21
if you can't fulfill
00:33:25
something on their wishlist,
00:33:27
think of maybe somebody who can,
00:33:29
or come up with another option for them.
00:33:32
Because you asked what they needed,
00:33:34
they told you,
00:33:36
And you can't help.
00:33:37
So let's find some other way.
00:33:40
Oh, I know the other thing.
00:33:42
I needed help getting my,
00:33:44
we lived in a condo.
00:33:45
And so I just needed help
00:33:47
getting it clean.
00:33:48
Like I hadn't cleaned in who
00:33:50
knows how long because of
00:33:52
Carl's sickness and just
00:33:53
stuff that was going on.
00:33:56
I just wanted a clean house.
00:33:57
And so a couple of friends
00:33:59
went together and got me a
00:34:03
house cleaning service to come over.
00:34:05
And they took care of everything for me.
00:34:09
So, yeah.
00:34:11
So that was, yeah,
00:34:12
that was my third thing.
00:34:13
I always forget about that one.
00:34:14
I'm glad I remembered that now.
00:34:17
I was forgetting.
00:34:17
So, I mean, I don't know.
00:34:20
So what, and I mean, it's such a good,
00:34:25
the list,
00:34:26
I just want to circle back to
00:34:27
what you said about making
00:34:29
a list of what you actually need.
00:34:30
Because you're just,
00:34:31
you're so overwhelmed with
00:34:33
everything that's happening.
00:34:35
And just jotting down a few
00:34:36
little things so when
00:34:37
people do ask that question,
00:34:39
you have an answer.
00:34:40
Because I remember not having an answer.
00:34:48
I could never figure it out.
00:34:49
I couldn't articulate what I needed.
00:34:51
I was just so consumed with
00:34:53
everything that was happening.
00:34:56
And then your points about
00:35:00
if they tell you what they want, then
00:35:02
you know, try to figure it out,
00:35:03
if not giving them another option.
00:35:05
And sometimes just,
00:35:08
it's not a bit of words, right?
00:35:09
Sometimes it's just a bit of the presence.
00:35:13
Yep.
00:35:14
It's being there.
00:35:15
Yes.
00:35:16
Yeah.
00:35:18
You know,
00:35:19
sometimes it's okay to show up
00:35:20
unannounced.
00:35:21
Not all the time.
00:35:24
Show up, call from the front drive,
00:35:28
let them know you're there
00:35:29
so that they answer the door.
00:35:33
Because I don't answer the
00:35:34
door at my house.
00:35:36
You can knock.
00:35:37
You can ring the doorbell.
00:35:39
I am not answering it.
00:35:42
I have the ring doorbell.
00:35:45
And so I'm like, yes.
00:35:48
I'm like the Wizard of Oz
00:35:49
behind the curtain now.
00:35:50
How are you?
00:35:56
Because some people are.
00:35:58
And I am one of those.
00:35:59
I'm a very private person by nature.
00:36:02
And so someone kind of
00:36:05
coming into my space,
00:36:08
I would have to be prepared for that,
00:36:10
or that would be something
00:36:11
that would cause me anxiety.
00:36:12
So you're right.
00:36:13
You have to understand that
00:36:15
individual and what they may need.
00:36:20
What do you think your
00:36:20
husband would say to you now,
00:36:24
looking at all the beautiful,
00:36:26
beautiful things that you are doing?
00:36:29
um with with what has
00:36:31
happened in your life what
00:36:33
do you think you would say
00:36:37
that's a hard one um
00:36:40
because I have made so many
00:36:41
changes in this last year
00:36:44
um I there are times when I
00:36:48
think he would be saying
00:36:49
what are you doing
00:36:54
I mean, I say that to myself too,
00:36:59
so I wouldn't blame him for it.
00:37:05
I think he would be like,
00:37:07
I knew you could do it.
00:37:08
That's beautiful.
00:37:13
That is so beautiful.
00:37:16
What's been the most
00:37:17
surprising thing that
00:37:19
you've learned about
00:37:19
yourself through all of this?
00:37:22
I mean,
00:37:23
What have you discovered
00:37:24
that you didn't notice?
00:37:25
Well,
00:37:32
I knew that I was an independent
00:37:33
person before Carl and I got married.
00:37:37
After we got married, it was more of this,
00:37:40
I think they could say, intra-dependence,
00:37:42
where we did depend on each other.
00:37:46
We were still individuals,
00:37:47
but we did everything together.
00:37:52
And so when he died, I mean,
00:37:55
I said this out loud,
00:37:56
I don't know how many times,
00:37:58
I don't know how to be
00:37:59
independent anymore.
00:38:02
And it scared me to have to
00:38:08
figure out life on my own.
00:38:11
My brother lived with me for
00:38:13
eight months after Carl died.
00:38:15
He was able
00:38:16
like he just slept on the sofa bed and, um,
00:38:20
you know,
00:38:20
he cooked because I had no joy
00:38:23
in cooking anymore.
00:38:25
Um, and it was, um,
00:38:31
in like the eighth month, um,
00:38:33
he went to house sit for some friends.
00:38:36
And so that was the first
00:38:37
time that I was truly alone
00:38:39
since Carl had died.
00:38:41
Um,
00:38:41
as far as like staying the night in the
00:38:43
house and, um,
00:38:47
yeah but I did it for a week
00:38:49
and I was like oh I I can
00:38:53
do this part and then a
00:38:55
year later I was leaving my
00:38:57
job I started a business I
00:39:01
sold our condo bought a
00:39:03
house moved to a new city
00:39:06
um all in a year's time and
00:39:10
I think it right now it's
00:39:12
not even been a year later
00:39:13
since I moved and I'm kind
00:39:15
of like uh what did I do
00:39:18
I go back to that.
00:39:19
So yeah,
00:39:25
I think I kind of took the little
00:39:27
let's be independent thing
00:39:28
a little too far too quickly.
00:39:32
But I'm here and I'm doing it.
00:39:34
And interestingly,
00:39:37
my brother has moved back in with me now.
00:39:40
um he's yeah that's a whole
00:39:43
nother situation but um
00:39:45
until he's able to get his
00:39:47
own place again um yeah so
00:39:49
uh but we knew it worked
00:39:51
you know before so you know
00:39:53
and I haven't worked for
00:39:54
him so yeah this is yeah
00:39:56
he's not in the sofa bed
00:39:57
anymore he has an actual bed
00:40:02
But how nice to have that
00:40:03
family support in that, you know,
00:40:08
because you're right,
00:40:09
you can be a very independent individual,
00:40:11
but, um, still look to your partner for,
00:40:16
you know, your partners.
00:40:18
And so you kind of go through it together.
00:40:19
You ask those questions,
00:40:21
you bounce things off each other.
00:40:22
So that's, it's a big adjustment.
00:40:25
Yeah.
00:40:26
So, um,
00:40:29
What is one question?
00:40:31
You didn't want to knock me for this one.
00:40:34
What is one question you wish I asked you?
00:40:38
And how would you have answered?
00:40:41
Oh, goodness.
00:40:45
Let's see.
00:40:49
You didn't ask me about
00:40:54
moving through the grief.
00:40:59
and finding love again would
00:41:02
I be willing to do that
00:41:05
okay so tell me um I'm
00:41:09
ready yeah yeah I'm tired
00:41:13
of being alone um carl and
00:41:16
I were married for thirteen
00:41:17
years and it's it's I
00:41:22
cannot believe that three
00:41:23
years have passed already and um
00:41:28
Yeah, so it's, I don't know,
00:41:32
I miss having that help me, that person,
00:41:35
you know,
00:41:35
who I can bounce things off of as far as,
00:41:39
you know,
00:41:39
ideas and somebody to ground me
00:41:42
when I was like, Amber, you really,
00:41:46
you need to calm down, you know?
00:41:50
Because I can easily fly off the handle.
00:41:52
I don't think I've done that yet today.
00:41:54
But, you know, just that person who,
00:41:59
helps me stay chill.
00:42:00
That's who I am.
00:42:01
And do you feel, I mean,
00:42:08
there must have been a
00:42:09
moment when you felt like
00:42:10
you had never reached that point.
00:42:14
And then, you know,
00:42:16
all of a sudden you find yourself there.
00:42:18
And I say that because I
00:42:20
remember thinking about
00:42:22
some of the things that
00:42:23
people would say to me, like, you know,
00:42:25
as you get further down the road.
00:42:29
Okay.
00:42:31
But when I got further down the road,
00:42:33
I was like, yeah, okay,
00:42:35
I actually am ready.
00:42:38
So it's interesting where we, you know,
00:42:43
kind of heal ourselves from
00:42:44
the inside out.
00:42:47
But we do have to do that
00:42:49
healing first before we
00:42:51
find ourselves ready.
00:42:53
Oh, yeah.
00:42:54
Yeah.
00:42:54
Yeah, there's, I mean...
00:42:57
I can't imagine having been
00:43:01
seriously serious about
00:43:03
somebody else so soon after Carl died.
00:43:09
It was almost a year before
00:43:12
I took off my wedding rings.
00:43:18
And now I look at my hand
00:43:19
and it's so bare.
00:43:27
But, you know,
00:43:30
that was just a representation of,
00:43:32
you know, the love that we had.
00:43:35
And, you know, it's not about the rings.
00:43:38
It's about who those rings represented.
00:43:48
Do you encourage your
00:43:50
coaching clients to journal?
00:43:53
Oh, yes, I do.
00:43:57
It was something that I did not do.
00:44:00
And my mom asked me, like,
00:44:04
probably within the week after he died,
00:44:05
just like,
00:44:06
are you going to be writing all
00:44:07
this down?
00:44:07
I said, no, I don't want to read it again.
00:44:12
But now I'm like, oh, man, you know,
00:44:15
I just I have to keep
00:44:16
replaying the stories, you know,
00:44:18
so that I do remember them.
00:44:21
And there have been some
00:44:22
that I have written down.
00:44:24
But for coaching, yes, absolutely.
00:44:27
I've actually started a
00:44:30
journal workbook for clients.
00:44:35
And I told my coach, I have my own coach,
00:44:40
that I would have it ready
00:44:41
for publishing in a couple of weeks.
00:44:44
So we'll see how that goes.
00:44:45
You can do that.
00:44:50
Yeah,
00:44:51
I was supposed to have the website
00:44:52
done by Sunday, so it's still in process.
00:45:00
Very close, it's coming though.
00:45:02
And yeah, but the journaling, absolutely.
00:45:05
I've come up with the prompts for them.
00:45:08
There's twelve weeks worth of prompts,
00:45:13
only three prompts per week,
00:45:15
just because I don't want
00:45:18
people to feel overwhelmed.
00:45:21
You know, but yeah,
00:45:24
when they're ready for it,
00:45:26
it'll be there.
00:45:30
And it's such a valuable
00:45:31
tool because I find there
00:45:36
are certain things you think about,
00:45:37
and I don't know,
00:45:38
this is getting into a
00:45:40
larger life conversation, I suppose,
00:45:42
but there's certain things
00:45:44
that you think about when
00:45:45
you are in despair, right?
00:45:50
certain wisdoms are revealed to you,
00:45:52
I think.
00:45:56
And what really matters.
00:45:58
And that's always why I find
00:46:03
journaling for me helpful.
00:46:06
Because I'm able to capture
00:46:07
it and write it down.
00:46:10
One of the things that I use
00:46:12
with my grief is letter writing.
00:46:15
So letter writing to
00:46:18
the person and from the
00:46:21
person who you have lost.
00:46:23
And I also did letter
00:46:27
writing to God and from God.
00:46:31
And it was an exercise
00:46:33
actually that was shared to
00:46:34
me by our neighbor who was a minister.
00:46:39
And he said, you know,
00:46:42
why can't you write the
00:46:43
letter that God would write you?
00:46:45
You know,
00:46:45
we're all surrounded by the Holy Spirit.
00:46:48
And so, you know,
00:46:50
why wouldn't you be able to
00:46:51
write what his response would be?
00:46:53
And it took me a few days,
00:46:58
and I needed a bucket by
00:47:00
the side of my desk because
00:47:02
I cried so many tears.
00:47:05
But at the end of it, I was like, hmm,
00:47:08
yeah,
00:47:09
I do think that's what he would have
00:47:10
said to me.
00:47:11
I really do.
00:47:12
It was so healing.
00:47:15
Have you tried letter writing?
00:47:20
No, I don't.
00:47:21
I mean, I have not tried it.
00:47:25
Yeah, it's something I could see doing.
00:47:28
I have, actually,
00:47:30
I did start doing some
00:47:31
journaling last year, a year ago.
00:47:34
And so, yeah,
00:47:36
some of these things have
00:47:39
come out in that I
00:47:42
been a while since I've
00:47:43
written in it I think about
00:47:45
it every so often it's
00:47:46
sitting here on my desk
00:47:47
somewhere but yeah it's you
00:47:54
know it is healing it's
00:47:58
something that you know
00:48:00
when we are not just saying
00:48:04
our words but also writing
00:48:06
them and we can see them
00:48:08
there is there is power in that um
00:48:11
I do believe that.
00:48:13
And even from,
00:48:16
if you want to apply science to it,
00:48:21
the actual act of writing,
00:48:23
it changes your new
00:48:24
pathways of writing it down.
00:48:27
It's almost like,
00:48:29
not like a true affirmation,
00:48:31
but it creates that mindset
00:48:34
as you are crafting the
00:48:35
message in the journal.
00:48:38
So yeah,
00:48:39
I mean journaling for me has been
00:48:41
helpful and it sounds like
00:48:43
with the prompts in the
00:48:45
book that you are creating
00:48:47
will help your clients so much as well.
00:48:52
So I have used gratitude in
00:48:56
my group journey and I
00:48:57
created this group called
00:48:58
Just One Little Thing.
00:48:59
And I started looking for gratitude.
00:49:04
very dark days and called it
00:49:06
just one little thing
00:49:07
because some days I could
00:49:08
only find just one little
00:49:10
thing and I we used that
00:49:12
practice with my son who
00:49:14
was twelve at the time
00:49:16
because he deserved a happy
00:49:18
life and we get to figure
00:49:19
this out thank god for for
00:49:21
counseling and a whole
00:49:23
bunch of other stuff that
00:49:24
we threw at it but we would
00:49:26
look at things that we were
00:49:27
thankful for that day and
00:49:29
that kind of tethered us to
00:49:30
the present moment so we weren't
00:49:33
regretting anything from the past.
00:49:35
We weren't worrying about the future.
00:49:37
We were just right there, right now.
00:49:39
And we were okay.
00:49:40
And so, for example, you know,
00:49:44
it could be anything from,
00:49:46
I remember I went to a
00:49:47
Harry Potter movie with my son, just,
00:49:51
you know, trying to do happy things.
00:49:54
And he didn't notice that I
00:49:58
had to step out and go to
00:49:59
the bathroom and have a big cry.
00:50:01
And I was thankful
00:50:02
that he didn't notice that
00:50:04
on our date night that we
00:50:05
were going to this movie
00:50:06
that I was in a heap in a stall.
00:50:11
And he would be thankful
00:50:12
that he had a good day at school because,
00:50:17
you know,
00:50:18
maybe somebody didn't bring it up.
00:50:19
Because at his age, developmentally,
00:50:21
that was,
00:50:22
he just wanted to be like everybody else,
00:50:24
right?
00:50:25
So what do you think was good today?
00:50:27
Today, I am
00:50:34
thankful that there are
00:50:36
these flowers that are right next to me.
00:50:40
They remind me of my friend
00:50:43
who sent them on what would
00:50:46
have been our sixteenth
00:50:47
wedding anniversary.
00:50:50
So it's been eleven days and
00:50:53
they're still sitting here,
00:50:54
so they're starting to wear out,
00:50:59
but they're beautiful
00:51:00
sunflowers and they've just been such a
00:51:04
a bright spot in what has
00:51:08
been a very stressful season right now.
00:51:13
And so yeah,
00:51:14
I'm thankful that somebody
00:51:17
thought about me like that.
00:51:20
Yeah,
00:51:21
if somebody wanted to send you that
00:51:23
bit of love, that's a good sign.
00:51:28
Amber,
00:51:29
for people who want to find you in
00:51:32
your work,
00:51:32
can you just give us all of
00:51:34
your information?
00:51:36
And for somebody who thinks
00:51:38
they might need a coach like you,
00:51:42
give us some examples for people who,
00:51:44
you know, who you would help.
00:51:47
Just tell us how we can find
00:51:49
you and the kind of person
00:51:51
that would come to you.
00:51:52
Okay.
00:51:52
The easiest way to find me is on LinkedIn.
00:51:57
And I have all my nursing
00:52:01
credentials after my name
00:52:02
because there are so many
00:52:03
Amber Williamses out there.
00:52:05
So I think you can also use
00:52:10
my tag or whatever they call it,
00:52:16
AmberWilliamsZeroNine.
00:52:18
would be my link there.
00:52:21
And I am Amber Williams, MSN, RN, OCN.
00:52:25
And that's how you'll find me there.
00:52:30
And my website is thegoldengraph.com.
00:52:35
And so T-H-E, see if I can spell it right,
00:52:40
G-O-L-D-E-N-G-R-A-P-H,
00:52:44
thegoldengraph.com.
00:52:52
When I decided to start my business,
00:52:56
the Golden Graph,
00:52:57
I was planning to do
00:52:59
writing and photography.
00:53:01
And so I did that for a little while.
00:53:04
Graph, photography, writing,
00:53:09
typewriters used to be called typographs.
00:53:12
And yeah, so it just fit.
00:53:15
Well,
00:53:16
then when I decided to change to do
00:53:18
coaching, I stuck with it because, um,
00:53:23
golden is like the golden hour.
00:53:26
Um,
00:53:27
that's where that part came from
00:53:29
photography.
00:53:30
It's a big thing.
00:53:32
That's when you want to take
00:53:33
the best pictures, but in nursing, in
00:53:39
health the golden hour is
00:53:41
that um time when a patient
00:53:44
has had a stroke um to when
00:53:48
they need to get their
00:53:49
medications and so it's
00:53:50
that perfect hour I guess
00:53:56
to get the help that you
00:53:58
need and so that's where I
00:54:01
am with the coaching um
00:54:03
I want you to come at the right time.
00:54:05
Well, I asked you the significance.
00:54:07
Yes, thank you.
00:54:09
Thank you.
00:54:11
And then graph is just
00:54:12
charting your course.
00:54:13
Let's chart it and get you
00:54:16
on the right course.
00:54:19
And I think, too,
00:54:20
for all of our listeners out there,
00:54:22
is to make peace with the
00:54:24
fact there's no straight
00:54:25
line through this.
00:54:27
It's not straight.
00:54:28
It is zipping around every which way.
00:54:31
And
00:54:33
it's okay for you to ask for help.
00:54:35
And there are wonderful
00:54:36
people like Amber in this
00:54:39
world who are there and ready to do so.
00:54:41
So thank you so much, Amber,
00:54:45
for coming on the show and
00:54:46
for talking about, you know,
00:54:48
being so generous with your
00:54:50
own personal grief,
00:54:51
but then using what has
00:54:54
happened to you in your
00:54:55
life to help others.
00:54:56
I just think that that is
00:54:57
such a beautiful purpose
00:54:58
that you've taken from your pain.
00:55:01
Thank you.
00:55:02
Yeah, it's,
00:55:04
Um, you know, I,
00:55:05
I don't want to hold it into myself.
00:55:07
Um,
00:55:08
I feel like I've learned a lot of
00:55:09
lessons and I,
00:55:12
this is how I get to help people, um,
00:55:15
through, like I said,
00:55:17
the pain to purpose and
00:55:19
this is my purpose now.
00:55:20
So yeah.
00:55:21
Thank you Kelly for having me here.
00:55:23
It's been good.
00:55:23
Thank you so much.
00:55:25
It's been, it's been so great.
00:55:27
Okay, buddy,
00:55:29
I will see you in the next episode.
00:55:31
And thank you to Amber Williams.
00:55:32
Make sure you check her out
00:55:34
on LinkedIn and watch for
00:55:38
her journal coming out,
00:55:41
that guided journal.
00:55:42
I think that that's going to
00:55:43
be such a great help to so many people.
00:55:46
Okay, thanks, everybody.
00:55:47
We'll see you next time.